Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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