so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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