my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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