Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
two words: eviction party
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
