I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
