porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
