Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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