i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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