I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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