found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
