**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
