I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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