Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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