I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My pussy is not your playground.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
