i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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