Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
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