get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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