Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
