If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
