If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
