sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Are my feet made of real feet?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
