You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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