is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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