do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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