Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
