FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
