Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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