Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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