sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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