I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
