I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
