mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Never joke about your clitoris.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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