Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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