And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
