It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
