I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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