she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
