my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
