well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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