my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
