Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
