do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
it's like heaven, but drunker
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
