On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
