Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
