Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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