its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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