Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
