I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I want her autograph on my taint
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
