Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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