how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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